| Hello I'm back |
[Jun. 7th, 2006|03:30 am] |
Okay I couldn't quite let this thing die. I have been very active at myspace.com but have recently decided that there is still much I can do with this thing. Plus I don't want to lose all the comments Dave used to post here. I am far from better - trying to distract myself from how much I was crying earlier by doing all this stuff right now. It has been two months and no matter how many "good" days I have, there is always something that comes up that makes me cry nonstop to the point where I can't help but cry out and ask why Dave had to leave me. I keep hoping I will be able to sleep at night and have a good dream about him but I find it hard to fall asleep most of the time until I am so exhausted that I finally do sleep but restlessly. I miss Dave so much - pretty much all the time. I keep reliving the sad things and I want to get to the point where I can remember without crying uncontrollably for an hour. But I keep finding pictures of when he was younger wishing I had known him sooner and had been given the chance to make him happy for more years than we were given together. Had I known all this was going to happen I should have told him back when we had just started getting to know one another at work that I liked him a lot. We had talked about it and he told me he had had a crush on me back then too. So much time wasted it seems. Still, things happened the way they happened for whatever reason. Someday after I die and I am with Dave again we can figure it out but I think at that point I won't care cause I'll be with him again. |
|
|
| Goodbye Baby |
[Mar. 30th, 2006|06:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none | ] |
Dave passed away yesterday. I miss him so much I can't even put into words how I feel right now. And yet I feel his presence so strongly that I feel sort of at peace. I know that all that will probably change at the funeral, but for now I just want to hold onto his love.
I really miss you Sweetie - our silly games of tag, watching the Food Network and American Idol, commenting on how much better we'd be as parents than the ones we'd see on Nanny 911, and just being close and not needing to say anything
I can't believe you are gone, but I am glad you don't have to go through anymore pain and that the tumor can't hurt you anymore. Just remember to be the first thing I see when my time comes - I will give you the biggest hug and kiss in the history of everything and I will never let you go. I love you and I will love you forever - and like you always told me - that love is never gonna stop.
David Michael Ingraham
January 21, 1975 - March 29, 2006
p.s. I don't know if I will keep this journal going anymore - but I will leave this post for awhile. Goodbye Sweetie. |
|
|
| Happy 31st Birthday to my Hubby!!!!!! |
[Jan. 21st, 2006|09:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thankful | ] |
Just a quick update - today was Dave's 31st b-day. It was a very special one this year since not only did Dave not get a chance to celebrate last year (although it was always my intention to make it up to him)
but we didn't know if he would even make it this year.
We didn't do a whole lot - just Dave's parents and brother came over for awhile. He got a few cards, and I gave him an ER companion book and the first season of House on dvd. After everything we've been through we have somehow become big fans of medical dramas.
Anyways I updated my myspace as well, but thought I would update here for those who still read this.
Ciao! |
|
|
| A little update |
[Dec. 27th, 2005|12:40 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  ok I guess | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Shakira - Fijacion Oral vol. 1 | ] |
Its late and D's parents are sleeping in the other room. I haven't slept on a real bed since the end of Sept. when I took him to the emergency room.
I mostly post on myspace now, but for those who still read this (if at all) I thought an update was due.
Dave's health has been up and down since we went to hospice care. Just a few days ago we thought he was starting the dying process, but he is clear minded and has been acting a lot like himself since Christmas Eve. We had a very nice Christmas as a family along with his parents and his brother, Dan (my wonderful in-laws that have put up with me).
I can't sleep now anyway, I have to wait for his IV bag to finish so I can unhook him from it.
So here I sit at the somputer, listening to Shakira, wondering when our last day together will be. All I know is what music he wants played at the visitation and that most importantly he dies at home and I am right there with him when it happens. I keep praying that we won't have to say goodbye, but even if we do I am the luckiest girl in the world. I got the chance to marry the love of my life - a man who never lets me forget how much he loves me and how proud he is of me and how I have handled all of this. Believe me - this the hardest thing I have ever been through and I hope its something I don't have to go through again, but it has been worth every second being with Dave. I feel like I have known him forever, and somehow God destined us to be together at this time. I just hope and pray this isn't all there is to our love story.
Better go, or I may wake up my mother-in-law and she'll tell me to stop clicking away at the computer.
Ciao,
Maria Ingraham |
|
|
| Check me out at myspace! |
[Dec. 5th, 2005|03:03 am] |
I have decided to start a myspace blog and hopefully I will be able to
decide which I like better. LJ has been good to me as it helped
me to tell that certain man in my life that I couldn't stop thinking
about, thus giving him no excuse not to tell me he felt the same
way about me.
I may still post here, but I am trying to decide which one will be less
serious and gushy and more day to day writing and which will be all the
deep poetic emotional stuff.
So far myspace has two posts that are emotionally heavy, but I may
change that soon. I guess you will just have to check that one
out and you can at
www.myspace.com/mrsootsider
|
|
|
| Another quiet night at home |
[Nov. 27th, 2005|12:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I will be listening to Shakira soon | ] |
Dave is asleep and as usual the wee hours of the morning are my time to for myself.
I finally took a much needed shower and actually found my Shakira cd (finally!)
I joined Dave's Yesfans forum as mrsootsider so I could express my thanks to his friends out West.
Well I did that the earlier today - or yesterday rather. So far I was warmly welcomed although aside from talking about Dave I don't know what else I will be able to contribute to a forum dedicated to a band I am not an actual fan of.
I don't have a whole lot to add today. It seems I intend to have a happy day, but sometimes reality keeps ruining everything. I look at my husband sometimes and I can't help but think that his health could start going down hill and I wouldn't be able to do anything for him. I try so hard to keep going everyday - and sometimes I am just so tired and all I want is for God to heal him so he can get stronger and we could go back to living like we did before it got this bad. Our relationship was not perfect, but the way we get along even with our differences, and the way we love each other - it is just hard to imagine that it could end so soon. I would happily take care of Dave for the rest of our lives if he was only given the chance to have the kind of life he deserves. I know I said all this before, but I just can't give up hope - no matter what the doctors say. Heck, I even emailed Oprah!
Well I should get some sleep - get my beauty sleep so I actually believe Dave when he tells me for the millionth time how beautiful I am. I believe ya baby - I just don't always feel my best.
-MI |
|
|
| Trying to remember who I am |
[Nov. 22nd, 2005|02:31 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  awake | ] |
| [ | music |
| | some Lebanese singer - can't remember her name | ] |
I just woke Dave up. He wondered why I was still up - typing this at 2AM instead of sleeping. He told me earlier we had a big day ahead of us. His benefit is tonight as well. I am excited, but nervous. I want him to enjoy himself and not worry about everyting else. We have an important appointment in the morning as well. I just hope it goes well as he really is looking forward to this evening and I want him to enjoy it as much as he can. I just hope that he will have enough energy by the time 8PM rolls around.
I better not write too much - my typing has Dave more curious than tired.
But as can be seen I made a few small changes. I now have the picture of a belly dancer (even though Shakira belly dances herself).
I just felt that it was something I could take up now that I am home with Dave all the time and I need to exercise my mind and body. It is time for myself and I know Dave wants me to find time for that or I will go crazy.
Also, silly girl that I am, I decided to shop around for a stage name. I could stick with a variation on Maria. I also thought Meena was nice. I think it means brilliance in Arabic.
Anyways, I will update again tomorrow evening.
Ciao. |
|
|
| Keeping my fingers crossed...and praying like mad. |
[Nov. 18th, 2005|02:50 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | dave update 1 | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy, so sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Just the sound of the CADD pump and Dave breathing | ] |
Well Dave is home from Hospice and doing better than anyone imagined. He's a long way from being well, but we have more hope than we did a few weeks ago.
He is such an amazing person. I fell for him a long time ago and having been with him in a romantic way for nearly a year now has made this the best year of my life - despite all of the scary stuff. As I have told Dave many times already - I love him with all my heart, and even if our time together is short I will love him until the day that I die. Everything that we have been through as a couple - and survived through has been worth it just because we learned just how much we love and care for one another and how much we are willing to sacrifice and go through for each other. Dave has been there for me through some very rough times this year, and I feel so lucky to be the girl he chose to take care of him during this time in his life.
Right now we are praying and fighting so that Dave can have the kind of life he deserves and get a chance to live the life we dreamed of having together.
As of now Dave is planning on being as strong as possible for the benefit. One of the Hospice nurses offered to accompany us so he will feel less anxious about being out. Not that he doesn't want to see friends, but he doesn't have enough energy to greet and talk with everyone of his friends. I only hope they are curteous enough to keep a safe distance from him. I will set up a blockade if I have to.
We by no means harbor any false hopes though. Just because he is stronger and more energetic today doesn't mean his health won't go downhill the next. It is stressful taking it one day at a time, with the slightest changes causing me and his mother to fly in a frenzy wondering if we should call the nurse. Dave assures me he will alert us if he feels any changes but I can't help but wake up in the night to make sure he is alright and still breathing.
Everyone says I could be a nurse after everything I have had to learn - giving him medications and IV fluids through his pic line, taking care of his NG tube (the tube they had to stick down his nose down to his stomach so that he doesn't throw up due to a bowel obstruction), and just being there for him as his wife. Believe me this is stuff I never thought I would have to do at my age and yet I do it because I would do anything for Dave.
Anyway as I said before - all these things are worth it, no matter the hardship, because I would do it all again in a heartbeat rather than to never have met him.
Ciao. |
|
|
| Ambivalence |
[Nov. 11th, 2005|03:48 am] |
Well I haven't updated in ages, but life hasn't exactly allowed me the luxary of doing so.
I have been living in a state of zero inertia - I cannot make plans or move my life forward.
I feel torn in my feelings and I am exhausted.
What am I getting at? - you ask.
Three weeks ago Dave and I (yes we're still together and very much in love) got married. A wonderful thing. But not too long ago before that my darling husband was told he didn't have very long left to live. Since then I haven't gotten a decent nights sleep. I can still laugh - and Lord knows I can cry an ocean of tears. I can't put into words how I feel or how we both feel about all of this. He has terminal cancer - the man formerly known as Big D or Ootsider if you found my site linked from his website.
I pray almost every moment that he will be spared - either from pain and suffering or death entirely. I can't believe we have only had 9 months together as a couple. He is only 30 years old and I am just 25. I knew it wouldn't literally last forever but I thought we'd be able to have a family together and just be happy and married and contented for longer than a few weeks or a couple months.
As I write this he is asleep and we are in hospice care. His friends are planning a benefit for him in the next week or so and I pray he will be around to see it - even if just on a tape. I wish he'd be well enough to make it there healthy and better and healed but deep down I know that won't be possible without a tremendous miracle.
This is almost too much for me to write but I needed to get it out without bothering him with my fears again when he barely has the strength to stand on his own.
For now i will leave my thoughts as is. Hopefully my next update will be a happier one either way. |
|
|
| some kind of update here |
[Aug. 24th, 2005|04:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  and I need a hug | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ? | ] |
With all that has happened since my last entry in June, you'd think I'd have a lot to say. Its not that I don't - I guess I have just gotten lazy, plain and simple.
Everything has changed in my life, and aside from the stress things are better. My sweetie and I are still together - 6 insane yet glorious months together.
I am starting school again in about a week - and right now a bunch of people at the financial aid office are deciding whether or not to help me pay for the 2 semesters + 1 summer session worth of school before I can graduate. Hopefully they see me in a positive light and allow me the chance to finish. At least I am not completely hopeless, even though the last semester really sucked.
Well until I know anything I will leave this as it is. Oh, and work sucks cause I had to start working at PDQ again in the beginning of July or starve. Copps did not pay enough for me to pay for food and rent plus any other expenses I had. PDQ still sucks but I am not as broke as I was 2 months ago.
Ciao! |
|
|
| Okay how about a real update. |
[Jun. 3rd, 2005|01:34 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved but sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none, just silence. | ] |
Well actually I am waiting for a Shakira ringtone I just bought to get to my phone. It hasn't been that long but it feels like forever.
School is definitely going to take longer. In order to easily get out of my contract with University Housing I had to make a decision. Aparently no matter how much I say I don't have the money to afford to live in housing, unless I am definitely not attending the UW this fall, I have to fill out crazy paperwork and cut through red tape to be released from my contract and receive my deposit back. I told them I wasn't sure if I was going to attend the UW, but I really seriously and truly would not have the money and all they said was they wanted me to be sure. I know deep down that it won't happen, but maybe I'll win the lottery or something. And so I dropped the one course I decided to remain enrolled in. My problem isn't even what its been in the past- now its a financial problem, not an I-fucked-up-so-bad-with-my-classes-they-kicked-me-out problem. Well I didn't do well, but not bad enough that they told me to leave. And even though it sucks, maybe its a good thing. As my boyfriend said "You don't know what the fuck you want to do, babe". And I don't. I have wanted to be pretty much everything, but I suck at sticking to things. There isn't one thing I do well enough or know enough about to make it a career or even a hobby.
I bitch a lot- maybe that could be my career. To bitch and moan and cry rivers of tears because my life sucks, boo-freakin'-hoo!!
I need to be slapped back into reality. I need to stay focused but I am so afraid of messing up so bad I end up alone on the streeet. I just keep digging myself into holes - I am such a mess and I can't understand why anyone would want to be around me.
Okay tomorrow I am going to be productive and do what I need to do. I am not going to sit around on my ass and do nothing. I just wish I could go to sleep instead of waiting around for my ringtone.
My only source of happiness at the moment is that my mother is distracted enough that I can deal with all this without her interference. I am also glad that I get a chance to see New York City before I die- and meet Shakira ( oh you can bet I will!!!)
And last but not least my wonderful and supportive boyfriend who means the world to me. He is my source of strength right now, and sometimes I think he deserves way more than I have been giving him lately. I can never tell him enough how much I love him. Thanks, D baby. |
|
|
| Well its happening! |
[May. 26th, 2005|12:42 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  oh yeah! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Shakira!!!!! | ] |
Yes folks life is awesome. I just recieved an itinerary and myself and my best friend are going to New York City to see Shakira!!!!
I will give details later, but yes are definitely going and as of right now I don't know if it will really hit me until I am actually in New York.
Anyway all is good otherwise. Despite my weird, indescribable mood before life is still good. I am still very much in love with you-know-who, and I did get a call for an interview for another bank job.
Well must run, but I will update again real soon.
Ciao! |
|
|
| My life in purgatory |
[May. 16th, 2005|03:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  too much emotion to list | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none | ] |
School is over and I am in limbo. I was thrown for a loop so many times in the last month I don't know how to feel anymore. I feel so drained and uncertain of the future right now.
You know when you have so much stress and anxiety that it manifests itself as this knot that continually tightens and tightens around your heart until you feel as if you will literally die at any moment? That is how I feel right now - and there are so many problems that are contributing to that knot. My relationship, where I will be living this fall, if I will be able to find another job to replace the bank job I can't take, how I will tell my mom about most of these problems, and the physical pains that come and go depending on my mental state.
Sometimes I just feel in the dark, and part of me wants to crawl into a hole in the ground and cry, and the other part is frustrated and angry and wishing I had the strength to lash out and say exactly how I feel to the people who have it coming to them.
I think I will just get dressed and listen to some Kelly Clarkson.
ciao. |
|
|
| Guten Tag! |
[Apr. 19th, 2005|01:51 pm] |
Well, we have a German pope. Pope Benedict XVI. I saw the whole historical event through the wonders of television. This is my second pope ever! I mean I guess I am not THAT excited. I used to be Catholic, but not anymore. Still its kind of cool. Johnny Paul was the only pope I've ever known, so this is all kind of interesting. I thought seeing a Saint get canonized was pretty cool, even if it was Jose Maria Escriva, that nut case who started the Opus Dei thing where liking self-inflicted pain and torture is a definite requirement.
Now this guy is already 78, and as Big D told me, there was even a pope who died within 3 days after he was elected and thus never really went through all the becoming pope rituals.
Anyway, I must go, but after I do a little more reading up on this I will post some more. Why I care this much is a mystery to me, but then again I am not always up on current events and such and I don't want my readers to think I am stupid. Maybe I am, who knows.
Ciao. Auf wiedersehen. |
|
|
| no subject |
[Apr. 14th, 2005|01:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  very worried | ] |
Sometimes I feel as if I am far too emotional about things, and that life would be easier if I was able to distance myself from them so I could actually function properly. As it is I can't do that, and so many things big and small affect me on a regular basis in almost the same way.
I am not usually the type who goes all to pieces when circumstances go beyond my control. I was always the strong, level-headed one in the family when my mother couldn't handle the stress. But now I just can't help but feel totally helpless. I don't know what there is I can do. I have this indescribable ache in my heart that I can't make go away. I was just so very hurt that I didn't know about it sooner. I know things will get better, because they have to and they will. But I can't not be serious about it, and I can't find humor in it right now.
That's all. That is how everything is with me. Not all that cheery, eh? I hope that by next week I will be able to smile again. Maybe later today. Just not right now. |
|
|
| Wow, can things get any better? |
[Apr. 10th, 2005|07:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed but hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | watchin' Extreme Makeover Home Edition on TV | ] |
Actually I am being sarcastic. Things have not been fun for the past couple of days. I got a nasty skin rash and I can't figure out what it was that I caused me to break out in hives.
Hives are not fun. You itch and itch and you just feel warm and ugly as sin.
I do want to say a big thank you to my best friend, her gay best friend, and of course mostly a big thanks to my boyfriend for just being so patient and understanding. Welcome to my life! I appreciate everything, I really do. Nothing sucks more than being sick. We all know that, and sometimes you need help. I would do the same for you in a heartbeat. I love you babe.
I know things will get better. I will be back to my old self - maybe even better self in no time. I just wish I didn't have so much that I need to accomplish this week. Oh well - before I know it summer will be here and there will be plenty of chances for fun and a chance to work on myself on the inside and the outside. I am so totally psyched, like totally. |
|
|
| *Sigh* |
[Apr. 7th, 2005|01:17 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  looking forward to tomorrow | ] |
| [ | music |
| | you'd never believe me if i told you! | ] |
I just had a small revelation. I think I've forgotten how to make myself content and happy with how my life is going by myself without the help external factors.
It's not that I am not happy, its just that when things aren't so perfect I find myself more frustrated that I can do so little to make things better, and that no matter how much I try to distract myself or cheer myself up it isn't as easy as it used to be when my world was my own. When I was little I could imagine myself into a better place, but now its as if that ability has been lost almost entirely.
Today was so nice out, and then it rained, and then there was a thunderstorm. But I could hear students outside laughing, and they continued to laugh as they stumbled into the building - wet from being caught in the frenzy. I should have been one of them. I haven't been out to just play in the sunshine in so long. Its not as easy as it used to be. I can't do cartwheels anymore, or handstands. I miss being a little girl sometimes - when summer was a big deal because it meant hanging out with friends, and going to the Dell's and swimming at the Y. Now its about working full time hours, and being too tired to enjoy the weather in the evening. I don't want that for myself anymore.
So, tomorrow, come hell or high water, I will find time to play, even if I look silly doing it. I don't mean I will do cartwheels and break my neck, but maybe I will take a walk and take a new route where I can stop and explore for awhile.
That's all. Ciao, kiddies! |
|
|
| I feel stupid, stupid, stupid... |
[Mar. 30th, 2005|04:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | where is the hungover icon? | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Channel 15 live doppler weather w/ David George! | ] |
Apologies to the greatest guy in the world - you know, since I was such an idiot for no good reason yesterday. I still feel like shit, and I mean it when I say I will never get that crunked and/or pissed again.
Well the weather outside is mighty frightening, but at least there is no more lightening. Yes I did that rhyme on purpose. Anyway, that isn't the point of this update.
I think that for the moment everything is looking up, and despite the drama and the craziness I feel that all the weirdness that was going on over the past few weeks has past for now. I don't know when or what or how the next disaster will strike but at least nothing has killed me yet. I will keep kickin' tills I's can kick's no more.
Head to the basement? Sorry the weather guy just said to head to the basement. I live on the 3rd floor of a dormitory - if the building collapses I want to see it happen!
hehe. No seriously - it'd be cool. Then I would wake up in the land of Oz. Some guys in my German class were discussing using the munchkins as an army to attack and take over the Emerald City (I think they were speaking as if they were the Wicked Witch though). One guy thought the other guy would have a hard time convincing the munchkins, but the other guy figured if they used the winged monkeys along with paying the lollipop guild as a "task force" of some sort then you may be able to pull it off. I figured you would have to give them a heck of a lot of incentive...or you could just brainwash them and once you have the city you can either kill them or turn them into slaves. Either way.
Boy that was weird, but then again I didn't actually think of it in the first place.
Ciao, kiddies! |
|
|
| Hey World |
[Mar. 28th, 2005|12:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | awwwwwwwww.... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | hehe - wouldn't YOU like to know! | ] |
I am so incredibly exhausted right now. I have no clue as to why I am not sleeping - oh wait, I know why. Its 'cause I had to move most of my stuff to my teeny tiny dorm room because of the drama that is my mother's life.
I am try to deny it all and live in my own blissful existence, but dammit all she keeps shattering any peace I am able to acheive. Nothing I am doing with my life or have in my life is a good thing or good enough of a thing.
And she has the gall to tell me where I can and can't live. I am fuckin' 25 years old! Leave me the fuck alone!!!!!!!
Alas, 'tis not so easy as that. I can't even say that to her unless I want to die.
Ah well, I should get some sleep. I do have class tomorrow seeing as how Spring Break is totally over with.
Oh, and Babe - if its a battle you want, it is so ON! Watch out, cause I gots me some powerful weapons that I will be unleashing Tuesday night. Are you sure you can handle it?
Ciao. |
|
|
| What a wonderful day I had |
[Mar. 14th, 2005|09:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blankly stares at screen | ] |
| [ | music |
| | huh? | ] |
Today started off so well I don't think I will ever forget it. In fact the night before was just as incredible. Unfortunately I am pretty tired right now and won't go into details since the one who made my night and morning so amazing knows why. Still I just had class earlier and my online discussion chat thing just wrapped up so I have reason to be tired. I hate reductionism. And I hate that I don't get physics all that well, or science in general and thus I was lost and bewildered and confused during most of that discussion chat thing.
So now I am watching Whose Line is it Anyway? - yawning, typing, and thinking about that special someone in my life whom I talked to not so long ago. Thanks, babe. Is it any wonder that I love you?
Yeah I said it here...and as is usual in my case my feelings are hard to hide when I think about you so there you go.
Whose Line? ain't really that funny at the moment, but then again I am not really paying all that much attention.
I need sleep but at the same time I have quite a bit to do tonight. I will update again later...
Was that the most pointless post ever? Vote here! |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
mad_ophelia's journal